


death bed

by hyucksicles



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Death, Heavy Angst, M/M, donghyuck is on his deathbed and writes a letter to mark, mentions of sickness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-22
Updated: 2020-09-22
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:40:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26593054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyucksicles/pseuds/hyucksicles
Summary: Sometimes the universe just isn't in your favour.Donghyuck learns that the hard way. WIth time slowly slipping through his fingers, he decides to write the love of his life a letter.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee
Comments: 12
Kudos: 63





	death bed

**Author's Note:**

> hello please enjoy (?) this sad little letter of donghyuck reminiscing on his past and lamenting his future that'll never arrive. based on the song death bed by powfu.

_~~Dear Mark~~_ ,

 _ ~~My dearest Mark~~_ , 

_Hey Markie,_

_As you can see from the scribbled out attempts, I don’t really know how to start this letter. Because really, where do I begin? There’s so much that I need to tell you, so much I have left to say, but time is running out for me, you know that._

_You’re at home as I write this. I know because I begged you to leave if only for one night. And yes, I know you always say you don’t mind curling up with me on this tiny hospital bed, but don’t think I haven’t noticed how dark the circles under your eyes have gotten, or how you stifle your groans of pain every morning when you get up. Your back’s always been way more sensitive than mine, old man. I’m hoping you’re curled up under your sheets tonight instead, breathing in the smell of mint and lavender and melting into the softness of your memory foam pillow. You won’t have squiggles beside you tonight, he’s here with me, his big googly eyes staring at me as I write._

_You know, I can’t believe you kept him all these years. I never knew the little blue octopus I won for you at the fair eight years ago would end up being such an important part of our relationship. But I guess I didn’t know a lot of things back then._

_Will you look at that? Already almost a page in and I feel like I’ve said nothing. God, this letter is gonna be a pain in the ass to read. Sorry about that._

_I was looking through my old computer the other day. Just clearing out some files, uploading the important stuff on an external drive for when, well, you know. Anyways, you’ll never guess what I came across. The old videos we took for that summer project of yours. What was it you had to do? Some form of home movie? Well, whatever it was, you decided the park would be the perfect location for the shoot. God, Mark, there’s so many blooper videos I saved. Our acting back then was so bad it’s honestly making me cringe just thinking about it. I don’t think it’s improved much since then, to be fair. Your movie making skills certainly have though. I can already see it now, your name up on the big screen: “Written & directed by Mark Lee.” I really wish I could stick around to actually witness it. _

_But back to the videos. It’s so funny to watch them all now. I get transported back to the time when you still had braces, and where the rims on your glasses were almost as thick as your pinky finger. Oh and the red streaks in my hair. I still wish you’d told me how ridiculous I looked with them instead of calling them cool. But I bet you actually did think they were cool, didn’t you, Mark? After all, it was with the red streaks in my hair that you asked me to be yours._

_That happened at the park too, do you remember? The sun had already begun to disappear behind the trees and the natural light you needed to film was dwindling by the second, but you still wanted to get the perfect shot. To get the perfect scene, just me looking into the distance with the last rays of sun painting my face._

_I remember how you lowered the camera after you’d finally got it. Something had happened, I could tell. Your cheeks were growing red, tongue pushing against the sides of your mouth as you kept your eyes glued on the camera screen. I had asked you how it turned out, but you barely responded and it took me physically lifting your face up by your jaw and straight up asking what was wrong for you to finally blurt it out._

_**“Hyuck I— I really like you. As more than just friends, I mean. And— And I needed— wanted to ask you, will you be my boyfriend?”** _

_(Needless to say, I returned your feelings. And truth be told, I was yours long before that anyway.)_

_You were so cute back then, all blushy and nervous._

_You’re still like that today, except now you’re taller, you’ve grown into your features and you have enough muscle to easily throw me over your shoulder. I’ll let you in on a little secret about that by the way, I always act like it annoys me to no end, but really I love it when you do it. Almost as much as I love your piggyback rides. Almost._

_The park’s been our place ever since your confession. Countless walks at all given times, endless picnics and so many pictures and videos of our time there. And you know what I especially loved? Whenever a dog barked at you and you’d practically jump into my arms. That always made me laugh._

_I don’t think I could hold you up if you were to do that today, I’d probably end up falling on my ass. Funny, how times change.  
I really miss our walks at the park these days. Even if I’ve most likely seen every inch of it already, I’d give anything to walk under the cherry blossoms again, or lay by the pond feeding the ducks, or sitting on the swings at one am after sneaking out of our homes as we talked about the future. About how we’d move to LA. How you’d pursue a career in film-making while I’d study to become a costume artist. We’d live in a shoebox apartment until you’d get your first big break and then rent out a fancy penthouse. _

_And once we were older and our carers well established, we’d move up to New York, not into the city, but somewhere on the outskirts where we’d buy our first house, big enough to fit at least three kids. Two girls and a boy._

_I hope you still get to do all that, Markie. I hope you get to live out our fantasy life, even if it is with someone else. I hope you allow yourself to fall in love again, and I hope it’s just as beautiful and electrifying as ours is. You deserve it, so much, Markie, you deserve everything this world has to offer you and more. I am so blessed, so unbelievably blessed to have been able to spend the limited years given to me on this earth by your side._

_And I know you want me to stay hooked to these machines, that you’re still holding on to the hope that they might save me if I just hold on long enough. But darling, the truth is that there’s no hope left. Every day my body grows weaker. Even as I’m writing this I can feel how my wrist shakes with the force it takes to put the pen to the paper. (Hopefully, it’s not too hard to read my handwriting.)_

_Still, I wish you’d take me to the park. I wish you’d just forget about the beeping of the monitor and the many tubes sticking out of my skin and just get me out of this place. Out of this room that I've seen day in and day out for months, the same branches of the same old oak tree banging against the sole window every night._

_I just want to see the park again. I want to feed the ducks, and walk along the winding cobblestone paths, and roll down the hills and feel the grass underneath my bare feet as we dance under the fading sun._

_And afterwards, when the day nears its end, I’d want you to take me to your house. I want to sneak in through the window like we used to, and I want to snuggle up together under your sheets, the ones that smell of mint and lavender, and I want you to sing me the lullabies your mother sang to you when you were a baby. I want you to sing me to sleep just like you did when we were young and my mind plagued me with nightmares. I want to drift off into dreams with your warmth surrounding me, with the steady rhythm of your heartbeat underneath my ear._

_And maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t wake up the next day. I’d just keep on dreaming. But it would be worth it._

_The truth is, I don’t know when you’ll read this letter. I don’t know if i’ll press into your hand when you come visit tomorrow. If I’ll slip it into your bag when you’re not looking, or hide it in the inside pocket of whatever jacket you decide to wear._

_Maybe you’d find it a few days later, read it while you’re in your studio and come rushing over to the hospital and finally get me out of this room. Or maybe you’d find it a few weeks later, when I’m too weak to walk and all you can do is watch those silly old videos with me.  
Or maybe, you’ll find it the day of my funeral, and your tears will stain the pages along with mine that are falling as I write this. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry, there’s really no point, but I can’t help it. _

_It hurts me, so much, that one day soon I won’t be here anymore. I won’t get to see you mature and flourish into the amazing man I know that you are. I won’t get to start a family with you and see you carry our first daughter on your shoulders. I won’t get to spend my life with you and bicker about our aching gums at a retirement home when we’re both eighty._

_It sucks. Life sucks. Sickness sucks._

_It isn’t fair that I was chosen. It isn’t fair that I have to leave you. I can only hope that, if there is a heaven, I get to go there, so that I can see you again, even if it means waiting a lifetime._

_That’s okay though, I’d wait ten thousand lifetimes just to see you again._

_Gosh, when the hell did I become this sappy, right? Well I guess being on your deathbed will do that to you._

_Okay, I think I’m going to end this letter here. There’s more that I could say, probably more than I could ever write down, but I’m getting tired. So, so tired, and my wrist is starting to ache to the point of being unbearable._

_Lastly, Mark, I want to thank you. For all the years of friendship, of unconditional support and unwavering love. My time on this planet may have been cut short, but every second I spent with you was, for lack of a better word, like magic. I’m pretty sure I’ve felt more alive in my nineteen years than some people will in their entire lifetime._

_All thanks to you._

_Mark Lee, my angel, my darling, the sun that warms up my days and the moon that lights up my nights._

_I love you._

_Now and forever yours,_

_Donghyuck._

_P.S. Try not to miss me too much when I’m gone, okay?_

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!
> 
> as always, kudos/comments are very much appreciated! 
> 
> follow me on [twt](https://twitter.com/neoneversIeeps)  
> my [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/neoneversleeps)


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